My plan: Sexy feet for New Years. My tool: Milky Foot!
Advertisements for this stuff are all over the television lately and, let's face it, my poor impulse control is second only to my love of vast swaths of peeling feet flesh. It's like this product was made specifically for my demographic!
The idea is you steep your feet in this mild acidic solution and, 5 - 10 days later, after an unsightly (some would say disgusting) period of peeling, you have exfoliated feet the likes of which newborn infants would be jealous of.
Inside the box is a bag. It's blue, and everybody knows blue = medical and trustworthy. It also has smiling feet on it and that can't be bad, can it? It says 3D for some reason and, as I'm fortunate to have 3D feet, I'm taking that as a good sign.
Inside the bag are (drumroll) two foot bags. Bags for your feet. They're roughly feet shaped and they are sealed. If you squeeze them, and you bet your ass I did, you'll feel some kind of slimy, viscous liquid inside. If you cut the tops off, which you'll have to do eventually, resist the urge to stick your nose in there and take a giant whiff. Smells bad, man. Smells real bad.
The instructions are simple and straight forward - put your clean feet in the foot bags and leave them there for an hour. So I did. It went like this;
0:00 - Super easy application. Cut tops off feet bags, insert feet, tighten tops of feet bags using supplied tab of sticky stuff, whack on a pair of socks, sit still for an hour. Job done.
0:10 - Feels cool, like menthol. Not unpleasant but slightly weird.
0:20 - Menthol tingling intensifies, but still not unpleasant or painful.
0:30 - You have to keep both feet flat on the floor and I want to cross my legs. First world problems.
0:40 - Now I'm hungry. I think the tingling is lessening, but I may be just getting used to it.
0:50 - No, it's definitely lessening. Still hungry.
1:00 - Surfing the internet...
1:17 - Shit! What time did I put these bags on? Didn't I set a timer?! Oh shit, the timer went off 17 minutes ago! Am I bleeding? Am I going to lose my feet?! Shit!!
There was no blood or trauma, don't worry. I took off the bags, rinsed my feet clean of the colourless gel that coated them, and inspected them for damage. There was nothing. Nada. No sign at all that they'd spent an hour and seventeen minutes trapped in a bag with acid.
And that's where the anticlimactic tale ends. For now. Apparently I won't see any exfoliation magic for five to ten days so I guess the only thing I can do for now is to get something to eat and once again enjoy crossing my legs at will.
(Obvs I'll update with disgusting details when something happens)
